To Be, Say, Do or To Not.

 

Situations, people, and things come into your life to show you who you are by way of your response. You cannot control what comes into your life, the only thing you can control is your response to said thing. We tend to run away from the negative experiences and embrace the positive ones when both are coming to show you an aspect of yourself. Being present in both situations is ideal but it's easier said than done. Taking a moment to be present can bring clarity. I often ask myself why something is bothering me? What is this bringing up in me? I have to make sense of what's going on with me because ignoring it doesn't end well. The constant battle of being avoidant and anxious is crazy because your mind can lead you down the craziest scenarios and pathways that didn't even happen. 

In my poem I talk about the battle of Self and the solution to it. You avoid yourself even though you’re constantly reminded of yourself. You cannot escape you. In the case of avoiding oneself you won't bring up what's bothering you, I will let it brew inside and hold a grudge against the experience whether that be with a person, thing, yourself or a situation. I will turn cold, the energy shifts and although we think these things can't see us they know when things have changed. In my case it's easy for people to pick up on my energy shifts because I'm so high energy and childlike in nature that anything opposite of that will be noticed quickly. Once you feel hit by a trigger you become avoidant to yourself. This is Pride... too egoic to let your real feelings out because you’re ashamed point blank.. that's the Truth. I'm sometimes ashamed of my emotions because they are so conflicting but I've learned that not addressing it will have me in a state of confusion and that will often lead to projecting because it's going to come out regardless. The ego wants me to ignore my triggers and be right about everything and everybody so I can have an excuse to not trust or let anyone in, but I forget that as the ego puts up more walls it's blocking and boxing me in as well. The real battle of Self. The feeling of wanting to express yourself and your feelings turns into you talking to the wall you let Pride and your Ego place around you, while you're boxed in you affirm your delusions instead of speaking your Truth whether that's out loud to yourself, someone, or something. The clarity comes after you speak the Truth. You cannot get clarity whilst simultaneously affirming your ego.

While being avoidant is an act of the ego because chilleeee the ego loves to act, act like it doesn't care, pretends to be cold but the root feeling is anxiousness and a feeling of wanting to protect the soul but expressed in an unhealthy way. There's Truth in your anxiousness, there's growth there as well, it's pointing towards something that needs your awareness. I always have the answers within it's where the uncomfortability resides. My anxiousness calls for me to face it, it wants to address the thing I'm afraid of so it can be set free. Anxiousness also usually gets masked with irritation and anger. You're scared of the experience being another failure/disappointment but you're already in the experience so why not operate within your highest self and do the work regardless? I'm learning to root myself in the fact that whether the outcome/response is good or bad I'm staying true to myself no matter what. Anxiousness is my soul trapped in the box wishing it could speak the truth.. that feeling is so conflicting because not only does it paralyze you to the point where you don't say anything but on the other hand there is hope and eagerness that awaits for you to finally break free. It's hoping you build enough courage to not only face whatever it is but face yourself as well because as much as you're ignoring the experience, trigger, person or situation you're really just depriving yourself of being real with YOU!

So with that being said get that shit off yo chest or leave it on the playground since you wanna be childish!

I love y'all.

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