Sick And Tired Of Being Sick And Tired

Everyone has a soul and an ego. Some don't even realize or consciously take notice of the split we have within ourselves. The ego is the act we portray to people and ourselves, this ego includes all of our likes, dislikes, and all the things you think that makes you, YOU. The ego can be considered the Devil, The Fallen Angel, etc. So if the ego is the act then who are you? Without a name, human attributes of duality and polarity, and possessions what is left? Your soul, this being is considered God, Source, Higher Self, etc. I am not one to believe that God is anything out of myself so when I speak of God in future poems and writings I am not talking about something that's in the sky or anywhere that can be touched because it is within you. When I speak of the Devil in my poems it is not a person that is under the ground that is all red with horns, a tail, and a trident this is within me as well characterized by my "human nature". These 2 things aren't bad they make up the yin and yang, we all have a dark side and a light side that needs to be balanced and understood and once that occurs you reach a state of harmony within yourself.

In the poem "Come Home" I struggled with knowing what this battle was that occurred in my mind and heart. In my earlier age and up to about 17 I struggled with my ego and it hurt a lot of people and maybe unknowing to you, you may be doing the same thing in your life right now. Being mean to others, judging others, talking down on others like your shit doesn't stink is an indicator of a strong ego. The ego is like an untrained dog you love it but don't want to kill it because it has the potential of loving and protecting you. The ego can be considered the walls I had put up to protect myself from being hurt but what I didn't even realize is the walls I put up had boxed me in and trapped me as well. So in the end the people that may have tried to break through to me would leave and go about their way but I was stuck there all alone battling mad at them for not understand. What a selfish person I was. Was it worth it? The trick I learned was to control my ego and not it let it control me. 

I couldn't begin to speak about the light side until I got to know my ego. Out of darkness comes light so I had to start with shadow work. Shadow work or inner child work is realizing the things that made me put up a wall like my childhood trauma, heartbreak, deaths and or just the worlds problems that I try to shield myself from. I had to sit with it and go back in my mind and bring those experiences up to the light so they can be noticed and forgiven not for anyone else but for me. What has helped me is writing all the things that took place in my childhood the details wasn't that important to me but the initial hurt was and that is what I wanted to focus on. Some questions I asked myself is why did it hurt me? What did I do at the time to make sure I wasn't hurt by this again? What do people do that takes me back to being that hurt child? This took me months to understand and some things still come up but I now am aware of what I can do to understand my past and not let it affect me.

I also had to find solutions to these things that had hurt me. I started with the fact that I was just a kid. There was nothing I could do in that moment of hurt because I wasn't equipped enough to walk out and take life head on by myself. Next, I began to realize that even with the hurt I found a way to protect myself in my current age though it may have been unhealthy, I transmuted it by building walls. 

Lastly, meditation and writing were the key to my chains (see what I did there lol). I started sitting with myself as still as I could and 15 minutes turned into an hour and now I can ponder for hours on end just exploring my mind. I pondered on my childhood not just the good memories but the bad ones. At first I held back tears because I hated crying, in society it is shown as a sign of weakness and if I had these walls up there was no way in hell I would be caught crying. After awhile when the heavy memories started I cried and cried and when I did, it was like a beautiful release.  Shoutout my mother man because she is the only one I would cry to and unknowing to her besides when she reads this she helped me heal by letting me cry, cuss, and yell and I truly thank her for carrying me through when I couldn't carry myself. I love you mom.

I love y'all. 

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