The Battle of the Soul
One thing I had to realize was that in this world we are characterized by our wealth, possessions, and achievements. If you don't have any of these things you are deemed worthless to society. No one really cares about your heart, creative ideas, passions, and mindset. We come out knowing we're going to have to go to school, work, and die. But why? Why doesn't anybody care about what someones heart is like? Why doesn't anybody value people as they are? Why does the voice of people not matter to anybody if it isn't someone with credentials? Why do peoples personal passions get hated on so much to the point where that person suppresses their dreams and they end up working a job they don't even like JUST to fit in? A passion or someones "calling" is important, who are we too tell them it isn't? God is creative we are meant to create, do the things we love, and help the people we can. We diminish and tear down each other because it is a reflection of what you do to yourself. So I began to check myself.
I needed to release the judgements I let people place on me. I needed to release the judgement I gave to others. I needed to release the judgement I gave to myself. How could I sit up here and wake up with myself everyday and hate myself? I have been with me since the beginning and I will be with me for eternity. Why do you hate yourself? I hated myself because in the eyes of others I wasn't doing enough amongst other things when in reality I was doing enough for God. God says come as you are. She/He dwells in the sick, the poor, the wealthy, etc. You don't think your inner God feels that? How unhappy and self loathing you are? God waits and waits. Waiting for you to stop looking to the world for your answers and approval. I start validating myself, I started praising myself, I started loving me in my worst states. I love me better through the good and the bad. The "reprogramming" doesn't stop it is a LIFE long journey but after awhile when I started feeling low I would call my inner G (energy) to the forefront and in that moment my worries went away I could feel the strength to get up another day.
Trying to be enough led me to a point where I did one segment of 8 12 hour night shifts and another 7 12 hour night shifts in a row with the segments being split up by a couple days. Was that enough for y'all? Is that enough for the older generation since I am deemed lazy by most of that generation? Even doing that I STILL WASN'T MAKING IT. Y'all weren't making it either though, y'all got accustom to being literal slaves doing things you didn't even love, doing things out of obligation. Before I couldn't understand how I was strong enough but now I do. When we go to sleep we are in the state of God. We don't worry or stress we let ourselves rest, we relinquish the ego whilst sleep. Your soul has to rest and go back inwards because it is tired from being in prison all day, the prison you put it in. The prison being your humanity or the act you portray. Earth itself isn't the problem the people are. I learned to stop caring and carrying the outside world around me. I don't argue, I don't watch the news, and if I do see something on social media I don't carry it with me like it's my problem like most do. We are so readily ready to take on meaningless problems of the world and push ourselves to the side. Don't think I am saying be egoistical and not care about the problems going on but the celebrities you praise don't care about your comments on TheShadeRoom.
For me healing is my purpose or what others call "their calling" and passion. When I go to work I am not filled with regret of having to get up and do it because I love what I do. This is the difference of my mindset now. Before I was doing what I love and equating it with having to pay bills instead of doing it because it is my calling and I eventually began to hate it. You see how the mindset shifted? I still have to pay bills for my comforts of having a car and cellphone for example because we are in the age of technology, but the shift came when I stopped chasing money and started immersing myself into the work I do for the people I'm with. If I can make one child's day better in their most vulnerable state that's enough for me. You are not just an employee, you are someone that is needed to make the world continually function if you're in your calling. God gives you the strength to be in this world not of it. God loves real niggas and everyone must bear their own cross and if you can't take the heat get the fuck out the kitchen! In the words of Queen Key "This shit worth more than money," You willing to give up your soul for a dollar?
It is not your wealth that makes you valuable its about how many people could say you were a good person even in a world full of hate.
I love y'all. To be continued...
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